My husband says I need to be more catchy with my blog titles. So I ask:
“HOW’S THIS HONEY?” I swear I’m in a good mood.
Anyways, it’s been happening. I am feeling the urgency of settling down. I don’t feel settled and I want a house and why would we buy a house if we aren’t settled etc. Plus when we settle down I want have another child and that is not happening for awhile. I can’t bear to not see Chase grow up. I like giving him all my attention and I love the attention he gives me, even when it’s bad attention like when he rips my hair out. Ok, so not so much bad attention, but when we make up it’s all better. I tell him no and he doesn’t take me seriously and then he cries when I’m stern and then I hug him and he goes on to play. See, all better. All forgotten and forgiven, until next time.
Oh well. What to do.
I actually wrote the above several months ago. I’m currently picking up where I left off because life has been busy. I was offered and accepted a job back in my home state of Michigan. So we moved, and then my husband accepted a position here as well. Plus we were looking at houses to buy but also a rental in case we didn’t find something off the bat. That adventure will be a different post. Either way, we have a rental, we are both working, Chase has been going to daycare which was hard at first but he really likes it. Likes it to the point that when he is dropped off he doesn’t cry anymore and he runs into the play area. WHEW! It only took a month and a half but no more crying! Victory!
Then BAM! I have to have emergency surgery. I was having normal “womanly” pains and it got really bad. It was to the point where I took Ibuprofen and when that didn’t work it was a Percocet, and then I eventually started throwing up because the pain was messing with me so bad. Sometimes when people have severe migraines it’s difficult to focus or look at things because they make you so dizzy you lose your cookies. That’s what it was except pain all throughout my abdomen. So, being an old pro with cysts I figured one ruptured and headed to the ER. At least they could hook me up with IV fluids, meds and Zofran(helps keep your cookies inside). Needless to say, I had an ultrasound and yes it was a cyst but, when the Doctor came in to talk to me there were three cysts, one which was fairly large and most likely the cause of the pain. He had called another Doctor for a consult but she was still in surgery catching a baby.
All in all, was admitted to the hospital for almost a week, during which I had surgery to take out the cyst but instead, because it was so large and involved with things, the Doctors took my left ovary and left fallopian tube. Now this is really easy to type, but I still have a hard time looking back at that and reading it. I know that it had to be done and I agree wholeheartedly with the decision but even though I can’t physically see that part of my anatomy, it fundamentally makes me a woman and able to be a mother. So I feel “less than”. That’s as simply as I can put it.
We will eventually try for another baby but being that I’ve had three abdominal surgeries(one of which was a c-section), the next surgery will probably be my last because of the extent of scar tissue and the damage that has been done to my body from those and pregnancy. So the whole biological clock is more than that right now. It feels like biological warfare. Do I want to try for another baby knowing that this may happen? Will I get pregnant? If I do how will the c-section go? If I don’t get pregnant should I wait to have a hysterectomy? This is the point where I insert Joss Whedons’ post episode “Grrrr Argh!”
Frustrated. But grateful. And I have my son. But still “Grrrr Argh!”